famous last words

whats wrong with people these days?
just get normal jobs and
be satisfied with normal successes
and accomplishments,

no.

we've gotta hurl ourselves off
of twelve-hundred foot cliffs
to prove that we can do it.

So.
its dated today;
28th december 2005.

4 more days
to a brand new year.
Left the traces,
scars,
memories,
left behind.

2005.
A year of remembrance
I won't forget
for the rest of my lives.
The sorrows; happiness.
shared.

Moments unforgettable,

That day when mum got cancer,
That day when dad got terribly ill,
That day when financial becomes a problem,
That day when the whole family sobbed,

That day i cried for weeks non-stop,
That day i felt its gonna be the end soon,
That day i felt life aren't meaningful anymore,
That day the specialists confirmed mum got cancer
on the day i registered for my ITE admission,


That day when i sacrificed a lot,
That day i've been a burden to people,

That day i saw shooting stars,

That day someone changed my life,
That day someone brighten up my life,

That day someone being by my side

That day and till today,
I will always reminisce these sentiments.
And make this as a test for me and us, family
'sufferings bring sweet endings'
you said this happens,
it does for real.

I just wanna say this to you
Thanks once again,
for letting the rainbow shine on me
again.

2006.
a year.
where butterflies gonna
fill the empty cups of mine.

2005.
won't happen again.
I hoped.
and maybe for the rest of the years.


till i close this last chapter of the story...

-hayqal

Children.
The magic of innocence.

Innocence is like a bubble we are in,
once pricked by the needle of truth,
It's lost,
gone,
varnished.
There is no turning back.
Out we go into the real world.

Cruel facts.
Reality.
The harsh world.
We no longer feel safe.
We can never feel safe.
Not ever again.
Maybe only when it all;
comes to an end.

urs truly,
-hayqal.

Answers

answers arent out there.
so stop looking for them.
why do people feel the need to
constantly label and compartmentalize
everything that happens?
why do people always need concrete proof of everything?
whatever happened to faith?
i dont mean the reilious kind nessecarily, just faith in general.

when did that die?
when did people stop believing in that which you cannot see?
when did people start needing logical proof of everything in the universe?
since when are people unable to take
lifes events with a grain of salt and just deal with it?

why do people need to know where
we've been and where we're headed and why?
since when was it impossible to go a night
without talking to someone without that person telling you that your friendship is falling apart? what ever happened to trust?
and confidence?
did i miss something?

its been my belief that concrete answers arent out there.
and i can waste years and years looking
for these answers that dont exist,
and just end up with a head full of thought,
the frustration of not finding them,
and the wasted time spend looking for them.

so just STOP. and just...go with it.
just "be" and stop wondering why.
its futile. just "be" and be happy.
and even if i did find these concrete answers,
what am i gonna do with them?
learn?

pfft.

thats just a myth parents tell us when we're little.
nevermind.
just someone tell me why because its 100% beyond me.
like i said,
nevermind,
i dont know what i'm talking about.

"do you ever wish you could freeze a moment in your day,
look at it, and say 'this is not my life"

urs truly,
-hayqal.

ohkae.
im back at last
with desired words;
getting to be spared.

lots of things
happened recently

[latest updates]
-grandma found (cursed; sort of]
-parents condition improving
but somehow getting it back =X
-my modules are getting complicating
-i rebooted my com 4 times
after getting the new year virus; eerrghhh

-created this new skin,
-things shud get better now =)
-last of all;
those ppl who consoled me the other time
esp Karen,Taufan and Clarissa
thanks truckloads.

have to catch up some things now.
latersss.

urs truly,

hayqal

end of his stories

thank you peeps

for making the life journey going on

to my deepest thanks

to all;

i'll probably be back

next time with happy moments

if time allows

till we meet again..

tataaa.

So.

its been long since

me and my other buddies

got to meet up

when we are free

no schedule today

was Me,

Hadi,Faris and Mannan

met up at noon

and went to the gym

had our normal workouts

there is this exercise thing

i cant bring up the dam bicep

to pull it. si bei hard

Me and Hadi though it was easy

but then came there

super-paiseh

ha.

yea. we did almost all the stations

confirm tomorrow ah.

wake up.

aiyooooo.

here pain there pain.

see larh. never do warm up rite? =X

ate my favourite lo-ma-kai

whatever they spell it.

reminds me of my secondary school days

headed for a swim after that

was WOW.

NEVER GO SWIMMING ON SUNDAYS

its helluva lotsa of people.

like a group of army ants.

in the end,we went

for sun-tanning for about one hr

but uh-uh

it seems i didnt grow darker a bit also

coz the sph too high. lols

but grow darker a bit on the leg and alps part only

dived in the pool after the sweatiness

and the tanning feeling.

yucks.

rest at the ends of swomming pool.

just to cool down.

washed up

and ate again.

hmm.. it seems hadi started picking back the habit

of smoking again.

it just makes me wana start again.

just the menthol smell makes me urghhh..

*wonders*

ok nehmind cut out of it.

i've regretted.

cut out of it

next sunday all free again

poly students all holiday again

wahh so good sak.

planeed to jammed next sunday.

so hadi u better memorise

the lyrics to sing ah.

it was all perfect.

4 of us.

hee. =)

we talked about the old days,

the pastimes

the laughters.

haha.

perhaps we can organise a chalet

for the ex-smb sec students

that would be good

maybe next year feb-march

i wonder i have the holidays on that month

hope so.. =))

hmm.. headed hoem after that

after some licks on the ice cream we bought

get home changed

1 hr later

met up again

this time 4 of us

with Jy and Hanafi

played badminton

near my house there

was funnnn

with us shouting

the japanese versus the indons

lols

faris's hair is dam long,

so tied up his hair got ponytail behind.

haha.

changed shifts

for every 21 pts scored on one side

lucky i bought the guitar

if not boring after playing badminton.

played a few songs

den i went of readi

tompang my guitar at hanafi's hse.

so tmr i collect after school

lazy to bring home today.

ohkaes..

x))

and to all..

those who console me,

advising me,

being there for me

thank you.

my mum's condition has improved.

the tumor is gone already..

*grins*

its gone.its gone.its gone.

no more cancer.

END.

for 9 months of the pain

at last, it came to a great ending

sufferings bring sweet results at the end of the day

that's right.

i truly believe it now.

thank you all,

especially

Taufan,Clarissa,Hadi,Syl,Saiful

and Karen

and to other frends out there

Thank you so much

I appreciate it=))

Finally,

its the new beginning.

I don't want it to be worsen anymore.

this year,

I'll remember.

Hope next year,

it would be a better year =))

So its true

all these while then

So cold in life throws

I would better not.

Maybe it isnt just right

Maybe ive been wronged

What ive had expected

turns out to be the different person

all changed right?

So,what everyone thinks about it,

Their views should be correct

Maybe i should listen to them

I should not have taken this way

thanks ah.

I just have to

go

far

away.

Photos capture moments

Just like this journal

Moments are temporary

But when captured,

They are immortalised.

Photos are all i left

The simplest of daily tasks have become a chore

Somehow, I find the will to carry on

My will comes from the hope of one day having her again.

As much of a chore living was,

I was quick to achieve my daily tasks

It is as though I have

lost the purpose to do them

For whatever it is

Sleep is great

When u sleep u do not think

You can dream, and more often not

Your dreams are a self-reflective satrical

play of your life.

I feel as though time is going by so quickly

I want to stop it for just a little while

Stop the world for a while so that I can get myself sorted out

Feels like I need some time to think about everything

But that in itself is a dream

But that's impossible, isn't it?

for all I wished to do was be still and dream

Dream about that day.

State of mind.

It helps me to think about other things.

If that's even possible,

Well, its not.

But when i am forced to focus my attention

to other things,

sometimes my pain flutters for a moment

It is as if for a moment

I forget that i am alive

A level of consiousness that resides in a void

-in nothingness.

A state where I have no feelings of any kind

But, its just for a moment

-the pain returns as quickly as it goes.

headed home after school

see both my parents went for treatment

at indonesia today

so they will be back problably tmr or next 2 days

planned to go swimming

but cancelled it

thoug hthe weather is perfectly fine

was me and hazeeq boredom at home.

so decided to went over taufan's house

was with shahid and his other friend.

though his parents not at home

we were like crazy.

with the loud-banging techno music

them with their leisures; puffing and puffing

played the guitars,

played the so called funny PS game

oh YA.

were busy dying their hair

taufan and hazeeq dyed.

hot red and copper brown for each.

ha.

ok. we will catch up soon

the place chosen behind esplanade

but i dunoe. so how?

call police? werps.

yesterday

headed home after school

and slept straight away

without revising my science paper 1

which is the last paper today.

yeahhhh.

last paper.

i bet those o lvl students

would be having hips and hips

of fun

for about 4-6 months?

=)))

so i better do some last minute revision

NOW.

the formulaes, ths stuffs.

werps.

my brother went to office today

to send the-uber-xxxxing lady

registered letter.

court case.

idiot.

no sense of humanity

i wonder how the situation would be.

on how we would gonna win the case.

OMG.

ridiculous.

moreover its her fault.

if we are really sued.

and gona pay her.

NVM.

GOD will BLESS her

with something

that is not meant to be

school resumed yesterday.

had micrology.

new module.

is like crazy.

the so-called names.

life would be better

next year.

new beginning.

both my parents' condition

are improving =))

i hope for the best.

moreover.

if who wants a job.

called 'jigging'

tell me.

i have a few vacancies at ebel ltd.

1.3-1.5k a month

morning/night shift.

good pay =)

latersssss

had a good dinner

at seoul garden;

causeway point

with the whole class,

last two days.

but the way we ate,

is tiring

cook+eat.

4 hrs for full dinner.

ha. =)

but. the food is nice.

and manageable

im probably changing my skin soon.

maybe tmr would be published.

but need some touch-ups to the background

coz haqeel lost the ulead photo cd

he better find it.

or he knows wad im gonna do.

-_-"

it seems that

my another friend of mine

had the same problem with me

erps.

yaya.

sensitive people.

latersss

Listening to all these songs.

These songs i used to listen,

Like what it had to be,

Songs bring back memories

They trigger little moments in ur life.

One minute, i'll be laughing my head off,

And the next i would be sobbing my eyes out.

However short the possibility,

One day perhaps,

I'll decide it's all worth it.

I don't know if that one day will come.

Every little decision i made,

Every step that i take in any way,

Every's moment's minutes changes is making up my future.

The unique outcome of time.

Stop the world, i wanna get off

yesterday

i went to subordinate court

with mum

thought that the hearing

falls yesterday

but the respondent

sabotaged us

nad merely stating it falls

on the 4th of november

and accused us dun noe wad shit

till we have to lodge a report

stating our reasons

why my mum didnt come for the hearing

on the 4th of november

is is dam bloody common-sense rite?

who would wan to open the boutique

in the midst of hari raya?

sumore the letter was sent

to the shop's letter box

which my mum randomly

opened the letter box

now the problem is

my mum did not receive the form4

which by the order of court

the letter of dismiss

what sia?

that malay lady

is a liar of course

nevermind.

since you wanna fight the case

just bring yourself

sumtime next week or two

we will meet

and say out urs and ours

rantings. >.<

you wanna the curses

we prepared?

just come.

just came back home

bathed.

after the hot weather

perspiring,

oily face.

first we met up at 12pm

at woodlands mrt.

and it was Me,Faris who reached

first.

then came the other three;

Raihan,Nadia and Hanafi.

The rest came super- late

of course larh.

girls wad.

wear make-up so long

have to look so nice to go out

-_-"

Though Syazwan,Din,Hadi

came a few minutes later

which was ohkae.

Khaty and Aini

came late

they are the one we complained about.

As usual,

kena warning by

the un-so

Hadi. LOL.

first house we went was Saiful's hse

which is at woodlands

which an-ohkae walk

so girls wearing heels

u noe larh. =/

ohkae larh.

his hse saw his adik

sooooo cute

with the 2 teeth still growing in front.

HA.

After that,

ahd a trip back to sembawang

by the bus from woodlands

Hadi's hse

was next.

met Gaffurr on e way there

which he woke up late.

big time joker.

we said.

still can wear gold sumore.

think he's married. uhuh.

even three girls

who went with us smoked already.

wooohhhh.

tsk. tsk.

ya. it was a whole day.

every hse

CONFIRM will eat full meal

till at the end of the day,

people can see our stomachs'

bloated to the max

ha. =p

faris hse is best.

jy played the solos of most songs he knew.

wah kaooo~~~

the fingering like wooots.

cant say readi. too fast.

i wana learn

' the youth gone wild'

so faris. teach me kay. ha.

so out of the 13 of us,

we went to 8 houses

and it was like erm from 12 pm to 11 pm

woooootsss

oh YA.

forget to say.

khaty's hse

is reaaaaaaal faaaarrrrrr.

it was like from blk 662 to

the back of northbrooks secondary,

was like wow

sumore the place there

very 'ulu' ;

scary if at night;

always have wild dogs everywhere;

but its peace there.

anyways, we had lots of fun

lots of laughters

here and there.

ya. i'll post the pics up soon.

if nadia upload it to her comp soon.

and send to us soon.

my digicam aiyerrrr.

spoilt liao. siao readi. =/

wohkaes.

we're having barbecue pit soon.

have to poon money first.

best. best. best.

laterssss =)

So...life should be getting better, right?

Nope.

find myself facing the same quesitons.

Questions about direction, purpose, meaning...reason...

What do I look for in life?

Where should I aim?

What do I want from it?

One problem solved, another problem grows.

Is life just a continuous fight to be beyond your problems?

And what so if you fall beneath them?

Do you lose?

Do you die?

Someone joked the other day saying that:

"Life: the game where everyone loses".

You know, it's more true than it is not.

OMFG

this is going big.

and letting the whole of s'pore

knew about it.

my mum's shop

has been sued.

see lar.

kiasu. -_-"

my parents just opened the mailbox

saw this government

court letter.

sigh sigh.

confirm kaox sak.

all the hardwork

in hari raya tailoring

1,000++

gona be burnt

and shaza boutique

gona be a bad name soon

i just feel like

kicking her ass out.

small problem wanna make it big

just because a few maniqs

dropped out of her tailored kebaya.

wah kao~~~~~~~~~

now

fight back the court case?

ergh.

waste money again. =/

Its such a bare.

had 2 whole days

accompanying both my parents

when it come to this

its always me

that;

always sacrifices the most

for the family

right?

uh. uh.

now that i'm back.

its fine.

these 3 weeks of school holidays.

i have to make use of every.

day.

coz i won't be having

any december holidays

like those kids in priamry

and seconday school had.

lols.

school starting in 21st nov

22nd nov having last paer for O's

and i seriously say

i ain't gona make it again

felt like leaving the room

halfway thru the papers.

hmm.

my schedule.

17th nov.

-the new harry potter episode

which i got lots of free tickets

which some are being booked by some

desperados. -_-"

which would be at noon

and evening

will be having dinner

with my whole class

with lecturer also.

hope i can make it on time at 6pm

after the movie ends

and tomorrow

will be a big day

since i cant make it for jalan raya

with my schoolmates

so going with my ex sec schoolmates

will be kaox

confirm more than 20 ppl

then go every hse

confirm the parents bankrupt.

LOL.

but ha.

my house cannot go.

no one. =)

now that my 2nd finger

has been tored

the 2st skin layer tored

+ numb + pain

wah kao~~.

see lar.

use metal strings summore

zZz.

i managed to play the song

'thank you mum'; full

it was helluva hell.

i think playing bass is better

i hate using picks

confirm i strum wrong string

even though i got the tabs rite

so better use finger.

ha.

ohkaes..

im bored now.

my frends went to hong kong

for vacation

so guess maybe nxt week then

can join them for a swim

maybe everyday

+tanning.

OH ya.

i can't find the bag tat

im looking for at bugis.

been searching for 2 hrs plus

till wasted my time

i saw alif and his gang

wit hthe big masters. LOL.

big-sized bodies.

and its great jamming at his hse

full set of equipment

with 1 bass.

2 electric.

1 drum

and a classical one.

better than going all the way

to yishun near mac drive thru

and full.

crap. lots of ppl.

though the equipment there are good

and quite reasonable price

but heh.

nehmind. =/

kayyyyyy.

ive said once.

ive been hurt once.

now its the second time.

and its the same

that happened in the past.

what would i say now

i think.

its just maybe.

all the times, the past.

how i wished it could carry on.